My Favorite Miracle

30 years together – 28 years married. Not too shabby…

I was twenty years old, I was single, I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t want to be there. It was my second year at the Tyler School of Art at Temple University but Temple was my fourth college (yeesh). I was standing by a keg of beer at a crowded house party and I felt like I was back in high school…and not in a good way. Art school wasn’t the supportive, creative oasis I had been hoping for.

An attractive guy with long dark hair and a leather jacket walked up next to me to get a beer. Without thinking I touched his T Shirt remarking on the cool design. His name was Tony. We talked and laughed until 4:00 am. It felt like he was the first really funny, smart and engaging person I’d met in the past year and a half I had been at art school. He didn’t make any moves (a novel experience). He didn’t put his arm around my shoulders, he didn’t try to take me home. As I was leaving I handed him my “business card” (just a wee bit pretentious) and said – “Call me sometime”.

Two days later I saw him across the lawn at school and asked enthusiastically “Hey, how are you?”. I had worn a cute dress just in case I bumped into him. He seemed odd, he acted like he barely knew me. I was put off. I wondered if he didn’t remember me because he’d been drinking the night we met? I had a terrible track record with boyfriends. All duds. “Too bad”, I thought, “typical guy”.

Two days later, in the cafeteria, I spotted him again. He was hunched over the table talking intently to someone else. He saw me and their conversation stopped. He looked disheveled. His friend got up to leave and he motioned me over. He whispered – “I really need to talk to you right away, but I have this class…can you meet me at 1:00 in the parking lot outside this building?” I was perplexed but I agreed to meet him. A friend of mine standing nearby said “What’s with that guy?”. “I’m not sure” I said, “I met him at a party last weekend. He seemed cool…”

At 1:00 I saw him standing by a big white van in the parking lot, a little alarm bell went off, but curiosity got the better of me. I climbed in and he drove us to a nearby nature preserve and parked the car, then he turned to me in his captain’s chair and said “Thinking about you has kept me up for 3 days. Ever since I met you I’ve been upset. I’m sorry….I’m rambling. I’ll start from the beginning – I think I love you”. I didn’t flinch or gasp, I just held his gaze. I felt surprisingly calm and thought “Wow he’s really brave. A little intense…but really brave”. I could tell that he was speaking with conviction and his vulnerability moved me, so I sat quietly and listened to him talk for a while.

He talked about his most recent girlfriend (a mafia boss’s niece), about his family, about his art. He was incredibly passionate and his sincerity was captivating. Up to that point, my story was that life was a struggle and that I had to fight for what I needed. I had no reason to think that this would ever change. Feeling desirable, or beautiful or smart or funny or worthy of love was not how I moved through the world.  I remember wondering, “What if he’s onto something? What if he sees something in me that I don’t see in myself?”

We started to date. He was a real gentleman, the first real gentleman I’d ever dated. He took me to meet his mother, Mimi, right away. She called me sunshine and told me that when he came home after the party, where we met, that he had sat down on her bed and said “Mom, I met someone”. She said “I heard the tone in his voice and I just knew”.

Tony likes to say that I tricked him. He thought I was shy for the first two months we were together. The truth is that I was just sitting back and taking notes, waiting for him to turn into every other lunatic I’d ever dated.

Today is our 28th wedding anniversary. Our love is not a Hallmark card. It is tumultuous and fierce and funny and real. By sheer force of will we made it through our 20’s and 30’s together. We built a house (and stayed married), we had a baby, who is now a 14 year old silver back gorilla, and we have created a community that we love and loves us back. We have forged a life together. We have tempered each other’s sharp edges and encouraged each other’s gifts. Every accomplishment in my life has a foundation in my husband’s love and support. It all started with Tony’s impulsive but honest proclamation of love in that van. What has sustained us is that we keep choosing to make that same leap of faith over and over again.

We are my favorite miracle.